Let me begin this by saying, I have bipolar II and PTSD. I had went off my medications in August in a distorted thinking and logic spell. A lot of people end up going off their medications -- whether because we think we're "cured" or because we think they're not working. This being said, I am not an advocate that everyone should be medicated. I'm under the belief that everyone has the right to choose whether they want medication or not. Everyone has the right to cope with their mental illness in their own personal way. I just know that medication is a good supplement for me.
Let me also preface this by saying, I will not go into detail about my trauma or the people I met. I also mention suicide and self harm very briefly. I do not go into any detail, but if that triggers you, please be mindful of yourself and what you can and cannot read.
I checked in to a facility on September 24th. They admitted me into the trauma unit which, as it turns out, happens to be one of the best in the nation. The hospital is just down the street from where I live so it was just luck that I found such a place.
At first, I was hesitant. I voluntarily checked myself in, but I had conflicted thoughts the night I checked in as well as the first day. I was completely hopeless and suicidal. I had quit my job, and I was sleeping all day, self harming, and not eating. I didn't think anything could "save" me from myself. I questioned whether I made the right decision, but I decided to be open to it because I wanted to get better dealing with my emotions and coping with trauma I've experienced.
We were on a strict schedule. However, I needed that structure. My outside therapist told me the first day I met her to "trust the process." So I did. That phrase resonates with me so much. I actually would love to get that tattooed, but, of course, I don't have the money for that. Anyway, we had three individual therapy sessions and two psychiatrist visits every week. We had processing group and many other group therapy activities from coping, to trauma ed, to art and music therapy. I got so much out of my time there, and I would recommend that program to anyone.
One of my favorite experiences, aside from getting to know and relate to my peers, was an anger management therapy session. Now, I cry from just about anything, but my first time watching the person "throwing" (I'll explain in a second), I just broke down -- in a good way though. I hadn't realized how much anger I was feeling inside me. I learned that anger isn't a bad emotion as long as you cope with it correctly, and it doesn't turn into rage and negative coping behaviors. Basically, in the anger management therapy, there is a large board. We choose two people to warm clay balls by kneading them. It begins with an anger portion in which you throw the balls onto the board, making them stick (and it's okay if they don't), a sadness portion which you just let the balls fall from your non-dominant hand, and then an empowerment portion in which you throw the balls using empowering phrases. It's a very intense yet cathartic experience. You throw at someone(s) that have harmed you, especially in regards to your trauma. I threw at my perpetrator and my ex-best friend who protected him. I had many people to throw at, but she hurt me more than words can describe.
After my stay, I made a complete 180 when I was discharged on October 7th. I was able to feel my feelings, learned coping skills, and realize that much of my childhood along my assault is actually trauma. I learned that I wear a mask to pretend everything is fine, even when it isn't. It was a coping mechanism for me in so many ways. In a therapy session, I intensely dissociated and had flash backs from my assault. It was hard, but it helped me.
I'm now in PHP (Partial Hospitalization Program) which is essentially an outpatient program that meets for half of the day. It's a step down program to help you not relapse and to continue growing and coping in healthy ways. It can be intense, but it is so worth it.
Now, I know that everyone hasn't had the same experiences being hospitalized. I've heard countless stories as it being a nightmare for some people. However, this is my personal experience that I wanted to share. If anyone has any stories they'd like to share, please leave a comment below.
Thank you for reading.
No comments:
Post a Comment